The routines that work beautifully in parenting articles feel very different at 8pm when your child is still wired, your energy is gone, and the elaborate sequence you read about requires more effort than you have left.
A calming routine doesn't need the perfect combination of steps. It needs to be simple enough to do on a tired night, and the same often enough that your child learns what comes next.
Children thrive on routine and predictability, especially at bedtime. Doing the same few calming things each night tells your child that the day is ending and sleep is next. Over time, they start to expect sleep, and there is less of a fight.
Moreover, a well-structured routine can reduce bedtime resistance by providing children with a sense of security and familiarity. The process becomes a comforting ritual, allowing them to relax into sleep, knowing what to expect next. This emotional safety net helps to ease the transition from busy daytime activities to the calm of nighttime sleep.
For babies and toddlers, keep it to two or three calming steps, like a bath, a book and a song, in the same order every night.
Preschoolers do well with the same predictability plus a little say, like choosing which pajamas or which book. Older children can take on more of the routine themselves, but the core stays the same. A few calm steps, in the same order, heading toward the bedroom.
- Signal Sleep Time: "It's time to start our bedtime routine. Let's pick a book to read together."
If they refuse, offer a choice: "Would you like to pick the book, or should I?"
- Body Awareness: "Let's take big, slow breaths to calm our bodies for sleep."
If they resist, gently guide them: "I'll take deep breaths with you. Let's do it together."
- Visualize Sleep: "Imagine you're floating on a soft, fluffy cloud. Feel how cozy it is."
If they're not interested, ask them what their cloud looks like, engaging their imagination.
"Just go to bed now!" This demand can increase resistance by creating a power struggle. Instead, try guiding them gently to the next step in the routine.
"If you don't sleep, you'll be tired tomorrow!" This statement can create anxiety around sleep, making it even harder for the child to relax and fall asleep.
Routines break down when the sequence gets too long, since every extra step is another chance to negotiate, when screens creep into the wind-down time, or when the start time drifts from night to night.
Starting too late is often one of the easier things to change. An overtired child often gets more wound up, not less, which makes settling harder. Try fixing the time the routine starts, rather than squeezing it in before a set lights-out.
A short, predictable routine gives the evening a clear shape. When it still comes apart, the spot where it breaks and your child's state going in usually explain why.
- How long does your routine take now, from the first step to lights-out?
- Which step does your child fight most, and where does it fall in the routine?
- By the time the routine starts, is your child already melting down or getting wilder?
- Does your child settle with the same steps every night, or does sameness quickly turn into a fight?
- Does the routine move steadily toward the bedroom, or wander between rooms and back to the TV?
Talk it through with Funke Afolabi-Brown's guidance
Describe your evenings as they really go, including the nights the routine falls apart. You'll get help deciding what to cut, what to move and what to try when one step keeps turning into a fight, with guidance grounded in Funke Afolabi-Brown's authorized content.
- “We get home at 6:30 and bedtime is 7:30. What can a routine realistically include?”
- “We added a bath to help him wind down and now he's more wound up. What should we change?”
- “My 9-year-old says bedtime routines are for babies. How do I talk to him about winding down?”
What if someone else does bedtime most nights while you work late?
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🔒 Your conversations are never read by a person · Built on trusted expert guidanceFrequently Asked Questions
Long enough for two or three calming activities, and short enough to manage on a tired night. Doing the same steps in the same order each night matters more than the exact length.
Include activities that are calming and predictable, such as reading a book, gentle stretching, or listening to soothing music.
Involve them in the routine by offering choices and making it a collaborative process. Having some say can reduce resistance.