My Child Is Defiant and Disrespectful. What Should I Do?

When a hard moment repeats, it is easy to focus only on stopping the behavior. Tina Payne Bryson’s connection-first, brain-based approach asks a more useful question too: what does this child need to learn or regulate so the next moment can go differently? The answer still includes boundaries. It just treats discipline and behavior guidance as teaching, not as a contest of wills.

• Respond to the core issue first. If homework still needs to happen, do not let a rude tone turn the entire interaction into a second argument.
• Use brief language: ‘You can be angry. You cannot call me names.’
• If the conversation is spiraling, pause and return when both people can think.

• Be specific about what respectful disagreement sounds like and model it yourself.
• Repair matters in both directions. If you yell or insult, own it without giving up the original boundary.

• Defiance that clusters around transitions, demands, schoolwork, sleep loss, anxiety, or sensory overload may need a different starting point than simple limit-testing.

See how context changes the guidance

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Parent: My 10-year-old says “you cannot make me” every time I ask her to do something.

I would avoid proving that you can make her. That turns the task into a power contest. Keep the non-negotiable clear, then give control over a part that can truly be hers: “The room needs to be picked up before screens. You can start now or after snack.” Does she push back this way across most demands, or mainly around a few predictable ones?