When a hard moment repeats, it is easy to focus only on stopping the behavior. Guidance informed by Tina Payne Bryson’s work also asks what this child needs to learn, or needs help calming, so the next moment can go differently. Boundaries still matter. The aim is to build the skills that make the next hard moment easier.
- Get your child’s attention before giving the instruction instead of calling across the room.
- Use one concrete step: ‘Shoes on’ is easier to hold than a three-part morning list.
- Give your child a moment before repeating. Some children need a little time to shift attention.
- Acknowledge the reluctance, then keep the limit: ‘You want to keep playing. It is time to leave.’
- Offer bounded choices when possible, but do not disguise a command as a choice if there is only one acceptable answer.
- If following directions is hard for your child everywhere, not just at home, compare notes with your child's teacher. If anything about your child's health or development worries you, your pediatrician is the right person to ask.
Getting close and giving one short direction is a good start. Whether the request is getting lost or getting ignored, and where, tells you what to change next.
- Does your child seem to miss the instruction, or hear it and keep going?
- Do you usually ask from across the room, or up close once you have their attention?
- Is it worst when your child has to stop something they enjoy, like a game?
- How many steps are in a typical request, like shoes, teeth and backpack all at once?
- Does your child follow directions at school or with other adults, but not at home?
Talk it through with Tina Payne Bryson's guidance
Pick one request that got ignored today and walk through it, from the first ask to the last. Guidance built on Tina Payne Bryson's authorized content can help you find what to say the first time, what to do when the answer is still no, and how to stop repeating yourself.
- “My 6-year-old only puts her shoes on after I yell. How do I get her moving the first time?”
- “I've tried counting to three with my 9-year-old, and now he waits for three every time. What should I do instead?”
- “My 4-year-old runs the other way when it's time to leave the park. What do I actually say?”
What if your child listens to the teacher but never to you?
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🔒 Your conversations are never read by a person · Built on trusted expert guidanceFrequently Asked Questions
For multi-step tasks, having a child tell you the plan in their own words can show whether the instruction was actually understood and remembered.
Home and school place different demands on attention and regulation. Some children also use much of their self-control at school and have less capacity left at home.
Sometimes a child is deliberately resisting, but often the more useful first question is whether they were engaged, overwhelmed, transitioning, or unable to hold the instruction.