When a hard moment repeats, it is easy to focus only on stopping the behavior. Guidance informed by Tina Payne Bryson’s work also asks what this child needs to learn, or needs help calming, so the next moment can go differently. Boundaries still matter. The aim is to build the skills that make the next hard moment easier.
- Block or separate calmly and say, ‘I will not let you hit,’ or ‘Biting hurts. I am moving you back.’
- Comfort the child who was hurt first when you can, then help the child who hit calm down.
- Keep the response brief. A dysregulated young child cannot use a long explanation.
- Practice what to do when someone takes a toy, gets too close, or says no.
- Give simple language such as ‘my turn,’ ‘move please,’ or ‘help,’ and rehearse it when everyone is calm.
- If the hitting or biting keeps happening despite steady limits, ask your child's other caregivers to help you spot the pattern. If anything about your child's health or development worries you, your pediatrician is the right person to ask.
Stopping the hit and keeping your words few comes first. After that, the moments leading up to it, and what your child gets out of it, tend to show what to change.
- Is this a toddler without many words yet, or an older child who can talk about feelings?
- Does your child mostly hit or bite a sibling, other kids at daycare, or you?
- What is going on just before, like a fight over a toy, someone crowding your child, or something they want to stop?
- Does it happen in anger, or during excited, rough play?
- Right after a hit, does your child usually get the toy or most of the attention?
Talk it through with Tina Payne Bryson's guidance
Describe the last time it happened, from just before to just after. You'll get help with what to say in the moment, what to practice once everyone is calm, and what to change if it keeps happening, based on Tina Payne Bryson's authorized content.
- “Daycare says my 3-year-old pushed another child again today. Where do I start at home?”
- “I've been putting my 2-year-old in time-out every time he bites, and he's biting more. Now what?”
- “My 6-year-old hits his little sister when she knocks over his Lego. What do I say to him right after?”
What if it only happens at daycare, and you never see it?
Try HumanUp free on iPhone or iPad. No credit card required.
HumanUp is currently available on iPhone and iPad. Join the Android waitlist for updates.
🔒 Your conversations are never read by a person · Built on trusted expert guidanceFrequently Asked Questions
Biting can occur in toddlerhood because impulse control and language are still developing. It still needs an immediate, calm safety limit every time.
No. Hurting a child to teach that hurting is wrong models the behavior you are trying to stop and can increase fear.
Laughter can come from nervous excitement, discomfort, or the intensity of the moment. Focus first on safety and the pattern, rather than assuming the laugh proves a lack of empathy.